


Stronger Than Strong

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-14 07:07:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>A long time ago, Ellen Harvelle sent two men out her door and the wrong one came back. That must have kinda sucked, huh?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Stronger Than Strong

She didn't ask him not to go on this hunt -- no matter how much she really wanted to. She made sure she did her best never to ask him not to go. She had known before she married him that he was a driven hunter and she had accepted that. Even when their daughter had been born, she hadn't asked him to give up hunting. It was too deep in his blood, too much a part of his soul. He was helping to save a lot of innocent people with what he was doing and that was a powerful thing to have. Oh, it wasn't a question of whether he'd give it up or not. Ellen knew without a doubt that if she asked William not to go on any more hunts, he'd stay home. It would hurt something inside him to do so, but he'd give it all up if she ever asked him to.

So, she didn't. Hunting was a part of who William was and always would be. It was a part of the man she loved, so she never asked him to make a choice. She loved him too much to do that to him.

Sometimes, you had to be stronger than strong.

She leaned against the bar, watching him and his best friend, John, getting ready for this hunt. William usually hunted alone, but sometimes, John would show up and then who the hell knew what the two of them would get up to. Sometimes, she didn't worry as much about William when John was there to watch his back. Sometimes, she could even relax a little bit as she waited for him to come back.

This was not one of those times.

There was something that had her on edge about this particular hunt and she didn't know why. It wasn't like it sounded any more dangerous than any other hunt her husband had been on. Nothing seemed different about it at all.

That didn't stop her from kissing William a little longer than usual, or from grabbing John's arm in a tight grip after William had walked out the door.

"You bring him home safely, John Winchester," she commanded, looking up into his eyes. "You bring him back to me."

John nodded, giving her the faintest of smiles. "I'll watch his back, Ellen," he promised in his rough voice. "I'll watch his back."

She went to the door and watched them get into the truck and raised her hand in farewell to her husband as they drove away.

It wasn't until they were gone that she realized that he had never promised her that he would bring William back alive this time. What he had promised was something else entirely. It was what he always promised before they left on a hunt.

He hadn't promised her what she had needed him to say. He hadn't promised to bring her husband back alive.

It was this difference that would haunt her thoughts through years to come.

***

She had known. Somehow she had known. Even before John walked through the door, looking like he had seen different kinds of hell. It was his eyes that she couldn't stand. His eyes that were so full of remorse and loss that she just couldn't look into them.

"Where is he?" Even though her heart knew the answer, her brain made her say the words. "Where is William?"

John pulled her to him and hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry, Ellen. I'm so sorry. I didn't see the second one."

She stiffened, not hugging him back, just standing there as he held her. "What happened? Where is my husband?"

She felt John's labored breathing, could tell that whatever he needed to tell her wasn't going to be pleasant for either of them. She pulled away from him, not able to accept comfort or to give comfort when she could feel her heart splitting in two.

"Tell me," she demanded, backing away and looking up into his face. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registered that there were tears in his eyes. She couldn't, wouldn't give him sympathy right now. He had come back and her husband hadn't. How was she supposed to deal with this? How could she even think about helping John deal with his grief, when her own grief was rising up like a wall to smother her?

She listened to John's halting account of what had happened on the hunt -- and about everything that had gone wrong. She shook her head when he started telling her that both of them had thought that they had the danger cornered.

"But you didn't." Ellen didn't recognize the cold, hollow voice as the one that belonged to her. "You didn't and now Billy isn't coming home."

"I thought --"

She shook her head, fighting back the desire to cry. She wouldn't break down in front of John, not in front of William's best friend. John, who had survived when the love of her life had not.

"Get out." Her voice was flat as she said the words and she could see John flinch back.

"Ellen --" He reached towards her and she stepped to the side.

"Get. Out." She raised her face to look into his. "Get out, John Winchester, and don't you even think of coming back here. You're not welcome."

She could see that her words were hurting him, but there was no way she could take them back. There was no room in her heart right now to soothe John's hurt over losing his best friend.

"Ellen, I'm sorry," John whispered before he turned away from her and walked out of her home and out of her life.

She felt like she was breaking apart inside. Her husband was gone and she didn't even have a body to bury. She knew John would have salted and burned the body so that nothing unnatural could use his body to come back and haunt those that he loved. In that, Ellen almost hated him. It didn't matter that she knew it had been Billy's wish or that he would have done the same thing for John. She needed something to focus her rage and her grief on, and John Winchester seemed to be the best target right now.

Gradually, her grief subsided into a manageable emotion that she could bury deep when she was around other people. Building up the Roadhouse and making sure their daughter was safe gave Ellen something to focus on instead of the rage and sadness. The years passed and Ellen moved on. She never forgot her husband, not for one day after that horrible night. She never forgot him and she didn't want anyone else. She thought things would be okay and that nothing would be able to hurt her like that again.

***

Years later when she saw the way her and Billy's daughter looked after John's eldest son, Ellen could feel all of those emotions rising up within her again. It didn't matter that it wasn't the son's fault for the father's mistake. It didn't matter that John was long gone and until now, she had been sad that she had never made peace with their old friend before he died, too.

What mattered now was that she didn't want to lose her daughter like she had lost her husband. She couldn't watch her daughter go off with his son. She'd have to step in, have to tell Jo the full story of what had happened all of those years ago.

Sometimes, you had to be stronger than strong.


End file.
